Let’s face it, guys. If you’re headed to Thailand, you have been undoubtedly warned you about the ladyboys – otherwise known as katoeys – to the point to where you may be a paranoid about looking a girl in the eyes. So I am arming you with a handy checklist so that you can feel confident and masculine during your sordid Asian travels to make sure you find real Thai girls.

Thailand is known as the Land of Smiles. But unless you’re armed with solid information, the only one who is going to be smiling is your Niesen pal hiding behind a cocktail laughing at your sorry-ladyboy-liking-ass. So my friend, I’m going to share with you a few ways to spot real Thai girls – not the fake ladyboy kind.

- Big hands and feet. Thai girls aren’t really known for having tiny cute hands and feet. Big hands and feet are your first sign that your new friend is a real girl.

- 5 o’clock shadow. Thai girls are kinda of like a Colt 45: Don’t let the smooth face fool you. They sport a shadow that fills in at around the happy hour.

- A wiener. I know this is hard to believe – but all real Thai girls have penises.

- Deep voice. Big girl. Big voice. How else can all of that untamable femininity be expressed?

- Gigantor hooters. If it was a guy, would he really have ridiculous-sized double-D boobies?

- Spackled on makeup. Thai girls always wear a ton of makeup, if she has perfectly laquered on foundation you can be sure it’s a real girl.

- Adams apple. Unlike girls of other nationalities, Thai girls have them – always.

-  Tall… like 6 feet tall. Thai girls are very tall, averaging at least 5’7”.  If she is getting up to around 6′ then she is a model or if she is talking to a tourist (you) then you can be sure you are being chatted up by a real Thai girl.